Technically, coaches aren’t supposed to give advice.  We’ve been trained to help our clients explore and discover their own sense of what is right for them and guide them through decision making methods and goal setting strategies that teach them to trust in their abilities.  But every once in a while, when I’ve heard too many limiting beliefs from my incredibly amazing and powerful clients, I can’t help myself.  I decided to share a short rant with all of you in the hopes that you will consider taking my advice and therefore have a more joyful month.
Stop…

…trying to do everything.  You can’t and you don’t need to.  YOU ARE ENOUGH!

….trying to be perfect.  It stops you from getting information and from enjoying the process.

…taking responsibility for everyone and everything.  They’ll be fine without you and you’ll have more energy.
…saying “yes” to every request for your time, money and energy.  There are others who would love to help out.  Give them the chance.

…beating yourself down.  You are beautiful, amazing and an absolute blessing to the planet.  Be nice to yourself.

…thinking that you should know how to do everything.  You don’t and it’s okay - you’re NOT SUPPOSED to know everything.

…thinking there’s something wrong with you.  You’re not broken and nothing needs to be fixed.

…expecting, wishing, hoping that others are going to change.  They won’t. Accept it. It will make your life sooo much easier.

…thinking that you can do “this” by yourself.  You can’t.  ASK FOR HELP! That’s why there are other people on the planet!

It can be hard to think about resting, never mind actually resting when you are faced with a challenge.  The 100 Day Challenge is coming down to the last few weeks and you may be tired of your challenge, tired of trying to keep up with it or tired of not seeing the results that you hoped for.

This can be the experience of any challenge we face in life.  Often the advice is to just keep fighting, keep plowing through it, suck it up and keep pushing…not wrong advice in general but somehow, it lacks some balance for me.  We are far too quick to think that we must keep pushing when resting is the very thing that will help us to make it to the end.

There is tremendous power in resting but we never stop long enough to experience that power.  Resting is when we receive guidance and inspiration about what to do next.  Resting is when we regenerate and build our reserves so that challenges become slightly less challenging.

How do you rest when you are in a challenge?

v  First, give yourself permission to rest.  This step alone will give you more energy than you ever thought possible.  Resisting yourself and your need for rest is a BIG energy drain.  Start with permission.

v  Next is to change your thoughts.  Stop beating yourself down, judging yourself and telling yourself you are failing.  Judgemental, spirit bashing thoughts are exhausting, NOT motivating.  Stop them right now and in exchange think more restful and supportive thoughts.

v  Then look for times in your day when you can take a break.  Maybe it’s two minutes, maybe it’s 5 minutes, maybe there’s occasionally time for a 20 minute nap.  Can you sit instead of stand?  Can you put your feet up while you work?  Can you play restful music or reduce the noise that surrounds you.  Can you simplify something that you are doing?  Simply closing your eyes for 30 seconds begins to regenerate energy in your body!

Rest is not just about sleeping.  Rest includes the way you think about yourself and your situation, your belief that you deserve to rest and looking for small ways to take breaks through your day.  Of course, building in nap time everyday is a pretty good idea too!

Share your ideas here for ways that you like to add rest to your day.  You’ll be an inspiration to more of us who need to rest!

Joyfully,

Deb

The calendar indicates that spring has officially arrived.  As I look at the two feet of snow in my backyard, it seems like there was some miscommunication between the calendar and Mother Nature!  For now, the best thing I can think to do is to welcome the energy of spring and trust that the physical spring will show up soon!

The long, dark winter months were a time for reflection and going inward.  It’s a time for slowing down and resting so that when spring arrives you will have the energy and the inspiration to plant the seeds of something new.  As we move from the dark into the light, what is ready to come to life inside you?  What are you being called to “give birth to?”  What inklings, ideas and dreams have been whispering to you on those long, dark winter days?

I know for me there is a definite longing to shed the heaviness of winter and create more of a “spring” in my step!  Now is the time to align with the energy of spring.  Allow the waking up of nature to support you in waking up to what needs to come alive in you.  You are here for a purpose and this is the perfect time to plant the seeds and nurture that purpose to life!

I can’t wait to see what comes alive for you…  Happy Spring!

I’m lying on my yoga mat attempting to follow my yoga teacher’s instructions for cat tail pose.  “Bring one knee up….catch hold of the opposite foot…twisting gently backwards towards the floor….”  Then he says my second favorite words (my favorites being “release the pose”)… “if you are not able to fully move into the pose then just move in the direction.”

Ahhhh…relief!  I don’t have to achieve the whole pose right now.  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  I am invited to do whatever is best for me and my body in this present moment.  Moving in the direction of the pose gives me relief physically, it teaches me about being in the moment and it reminds me to connect with my breath and listen to my needs.  I can also achieve these results by bending my body into the actual pose but the pose comes with the pressure of perfection and feeling of failure when I can’t bend that way yet.

I suspect that many people don’t try yoga because they think they will have to bend their bodies into these seemingly impossible shapes.  I know that many people don’t try for their dreams because they can’t imagine how they will do every single task required to realize their dream.  Are you afraid to reach for your dream because you don’t know how to get from where you are now to where you want to be?  I had no idea I would become a Life Coach, Speaker and business owner.  I just knew that I wanted more joy in my life and I started to move in that direction.

Don’t put off your dream for one more second!  Start moving in the direction of whatever you want, right now.  Make the declaration, make the phone call, say no, do some research, say yes, ask for help – stop thinking that you have to get into the “perfect pose.”  Do something, ANYTHING that moves you in the direction of your dream and I promise you, joyful results will occur.  You may release the pose now!

Do you know how wonderful you are?  Utterly and completely beautiful, talented and incredible inside and out!  Yes, I’m talking to you! At your very core you are love, light and joy and you were created to be sharing your love, light and joy with the world.  I know this can be difficult and confusing to do and if you are met with resistance and rejection often enough you begin to lose your connection to your inner love and light.

This loss of connection is, in my opinion, the main contributor to the increasing exhaustion, depression and snarkiness that I see in our society.  Working so hard to give your love and light to others - care-giving, volunteering, being responsible for everyone and everything – can give you a feeling of value and worthiness but somehow, this feeling never seems to last and so you are compelled to work harder, do more and give in greater amounts.  Can you see how this becomes unsustainable?  I’d like to suggest another way.

Have a love affair!

With yourself!

Working harder, doing more and giving in greater amounts can’t happen if you are operating on an empty energy tank.  Love is the fuel that fills your energy tank and looking to others to fill your tank can be hit and miss. If you want to be able to do your meaningful work in the world, you need a consistent and plentiful source of energy. Love is that energy and you can keep your tank filled by loving yourself.

I’m not talking about a narcissistic, egotist, “it’s all about me all the time” kind of love affair.  I’m talking about treating yourself gently, speaking kindly to yourself, giving yourself breaks and small, heart nourishing treats.  Care for yourself like a most precious object, like you would a tender new baby or the smallest of animals.  Treat yourself with love and the world will become a much better place without you having to exhaust yours elf with working to change it!  This month use all the Valentine’s Day promotions and marketing to remind you to love yourself and by the end of the month, you will have more energy, love and light to share with the rest of us!
Love,
Deb

Happy New Year!  Let’s get comfy for a few moments, shall we?  Pour yourself your favorite beverage, relax into your chair and let’s talk about New Year’s resolutions.  Most of you know me pretty well by now and you know how I feel about struggle and pushing and striving and being productive….these activities are joy suckers.  I DO NOT want you to head into this beautiful new year with all of its shiny possibilities without a full tank of joy!

Consider these two approaches for a moment:

Approach #1

Determine that there is something “wrong” with you or that you need to “fix” something about yourself or your life.  Set resolutions to correct what is “wrong” or needs to be “fixed” (ie: lose weight, get fit, eat healthy food, etc).  Run out of will power by the second week of January.  Give up, feel like a failure and struggle through the rest of the year.

Approach #2

Determine that you are exactly perfect just as you are and that nothing about you is lacking or needs fixing.  Fall in love with yourself right in this moment.  Choose ideas, activities and themes that delight, engage and inspire you.  Reach the end of December feeling light-hearted, fulfilled and joyful.

Which approach appeals to you?  I like number two and here are a few reasons why:

• You’re not starting with a lack mentality (which just continues to attract more lack)
• You are loving yourself which is great for your confidence and self-esteem
• You are orienting around joy and the energy of joy makes whatever you are doing sustainable in the long run
• Having a theme gives you possibilities for outcomes that may be even better than you could have thought of yourself
• It’s easier to remember a theme than a list of things that you may have to struggle through

Ask yourself “what would I love to do in 2013” and use this list for your resolutions.  Stop thinking about all the things that you think you should be doing and choose what would leave you feeling giddy with excitement.  Be creative, use your imagination, write down some wild, out of the box ideas.  Last year I wrote down ‘join the circus’ just because it made me think differently about the year ahead.  A few months later I found myself taking a trapeze lesson….so, you see, anything can happen when you focus on joy.  All of that other stuff will get done – it always does – but usually at the expense of the activities that make you happiest.  This year, resolve to play more, laugh everyday, join the circus, learn underwater basket weaving, buy your groceries using one letter of the alphabet each week….the possibilities are endless thus making your joy unlimited!  I’d love to hear what your resolutions might be…leave a comment below or on my Facebook page so that you can inspire others to more joy in 2013!  Happy New Year!

This month marks 7 years in business for me!  I have been writing newsletters for 7 years and this is newsletter # 84!  Every month I try to choose topics that are relevant, engaging and useful.  Almost every month I struggle immensely with trying to get it just right for you, my dear readers, because I want it to be perfect for you.

Here are the rules for creating this “perfect” newsletter every month:

• I must be able to write it in one 20 – 30 minute sitting
• I must be able to write it exactly on cue – no warm-ups or false starts
• It must require no editing
• It must flow with the exact right wording that will touch the heart of every reader
• And of course, it must be joyful

Ha! In seven years of writing, none of these requirements have ever been fulfilled!  How hilarious is it that it has taken me 7 years to realize that my struggle was due to my perfectionism?!  It always makes me laugh when discover that I have been oblivious to my own issues!

Here in lies the sneakiness of perfectionism.  Wanting, needing, striving to be perfect blocks your ability to see what is really happening in your life.  Perfectionism drains your energy and steals your joy.  Like being on a hamster wheel, it is a never ending, relentless driver that depletes your self confidence and trashes your self esteem.  Every time you don’t reach that perfect state, you think and feel that you have failed.

Do you have rules for creating perfection?  Mine were unconscious until I finally stopped to ask myself why I always struggle with writing. Once I uncovered the “rules” it became clear that the rules needed to be broken. In breaking the rules, I was able to find more relief and joy in the message that I wanted to share with you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting something to turn out well but perfection and doing your best are two separate approaches.  Perfection is a never ending process and doing your best is about completion and having your self confidence remain intact.

Notice what your rules are and ask yourself if you can break some (or all) of them.  Life is messy, unpredictable and always imperfect and that’s usually where you will find your deepest joys!  Wishing all of you a joyfully messy and imperfect holiday season!

I was having lunch with a group of friends and colleagues recently.  Over delicious soups and salads we had the usual conversations about work, health and children.  As I listened to some of the conversations I noticed a pattern that I have heard before.  One friend commented on how bad she felt when she discovered her child needed glasses.

“I should have known,” she said.
Then another woman chimed in with the story about how her niece was having hearing problems and none of the family noticed.

“I can’t believe we didn’t figure it out,” she said, “how could we not have known?”
The conversation continued like this for a while with more women adding their stories, all ending in how they felt bad or guilty for not knowing something.
Do you do this?  Do you think you should know everything - about everything? Have you ever been hard on yourself because you didn’t know how to do something, didn’t have the right answer or didn’t get something done the way it was supposed to be done?
Let me be the first to tell you that you are incredibly smart (you read my newsletters, after all )!  You probably know more than the average person and yet you feel bad, ashamed or worthless if you don’t know something that seems obvious or simple (once it’s pointed out to you, that is).  Guess what?  There are many things in this world that you don’t know and as long as you hold onto the belief that you should know, you are never going to feel confident or good about yourself.  You can’t, you won’t and you shouldn’t know everything and it s time to stop expecting that you should!  Phrases like ‘What’s the matter with me?’ or ‘Why can’t I do this?’ or ‘How could I have not known?’ are signals that you are being too hard on yourself.  Beating yourself up for not knowing something is a colossal waste of energy and depletes your self-esteem.  The next time you catch yourself saying “I should have known” ask yourself this question: “When did someone teach me _________________________?”  Asking this countering question will help you reclaim your confidence and self-esteem.  It’s okay not to know everything.  Part of the joy of living is learning and gaining new knowledge…and that’s a fact I know for sure!

Over the summer I spent time building a stone path in my yard.  The path serves two purposes:

1.    functional as it give us a way to walk through the yard without stirring up mosquitoes
2.    joyful as it is bright, meandering and disappears around the corner leaving you to wonder where it might lead

Building the path was not difficult but it did require a plan, some effort and some physical strength.  I found that it was easier to build when I had the right tools and if I didn’t try to do the whole path at once.  As I progressed, I learned better ways to use my tools, it got easier and I got faster.  The path was finished sooner than I had planned!  (Actually, I’m not sure if the path is finished as it’s possible to add more but for now, it gets me where I want to go!)

Building this path made me think about our paths in life.  Where are you on your path? Have you chosen one?  Do you have a plan?  Do you have the strength and the tools to move forward on your path with ease?  Something else that I realized after I built my stone path was that the work would have been even easier and gone faster if I had help.

Asking for help or accepting support is tough for most of us.  We mistakenly think we have to do everything ourselves and if it becomes a struggle we assume that there is either something wrong with us or that what we’re doing is supposed to be difficult.

The truth is there is nothing wrong with you and life is not supposed to be a struggle.  Chances are you are missing a tool, there’s a skill you need to learn or you’re lacking the right kind of support.  I encounter these situations with my clients so often that it led me to create a program that will give you the tools, skills and support to stop being so hard on yourself and help you create more meaning and joy in your life.  The program is called Discovering Your Path to Joy and I would be honored if you would join me. Stop trying to do everything yourself and join like minded women who are ready to create a more fulfilling life!

Over the past 3 years, I have been forced to slow down due to health issues.  I am on the mend now but having to pay closer attention to my health has taught me some extremely valuable lessons.  I have been very reluctant to slow down, to let others help me and to relinquish control over my business.  Like most women, I thought I could do everything I had been doing and still manage my recovery without changing a thing!  I was wrong.  The more I tried to keep everything going as usual, the more things stopped flowing and became harder and harder.  Instead of listening to the messages of my body and my higher self, I listened to the messages of society – the ones that imply you are only valuable if you are working and being productive every minute of every day.

This clash of values proved to be too difficult to manage and I realized I needed to choose.  I let go of some clients, I stopped doing free presentations, I reduced my volunteer activities and I said “no” to social events with family and friends.  I was terrified of being judged for my lack of involvement, my seeming laziness and guess what happened?  I got judged.  There were comments about being self serving and thinking only of myself and at the same time my inner voice was saying “you are loving and giving…and you need to heal.”

I am grateful for the people who judged me because they helped to bring to light one of the most powerful lessons I have ever learned – how and where to invest my energy.  I came to realize that my decline in health was directly related to my desire to be of service…to everybody!  I freely gave my attention, my knowledge, my experience, my time and my money in the spirit of helping others and in order to do something meaningful in the world.  But many of those to whom I gave freely did not honor or respect what I was offering.  They did nothing with my gift.  They continued to live the same way, complain about the same things and repeat the same habits.  As long as I continued to give them my light, they never had to find their own.

I know I am not the only one who gives away their precious energy.  You wouldn’t be reading this message if you didn’t understand on some level what I am writing about. What I want you to know is that there is another way. You can be generous and giving with your energy without depleting yourself - you don’t have to keep doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different result and I would like to show you how.  I’m offering a no cost teleclass (yes, I’m giving it away but I know how to do that now!) because I want to share what I have learned and give you a peak at a new program that has been born out of my experiences.  It’s time for you to feel vibrant and joyful again…don’t you agree? Sign up here for the teleclass on Oct 2nd.